The Struggle

Today the struggle is real. Today I don’t feel like reflecting or being thankful. The last thing I want to do is sit down in this beautiful coffee shop, with my favorite lemonade and write. Usually that desire, to write and reflect, is so strong, the words can’t help but pour out onto the page. Usually they have been twirling and culminating in my head for weeks until this day arrives when they trip and fall over each other demanding to be heard. But not today. Not this year. This year they cling to the shadows longing to hide in the cooling shade of darkness. “Leave me alone” they shout, “Can’t you see I’m sad today and want to be by myself?”

And yet I find myself here, sipping that lemonade and forcing my thoughts to the light. Because eight years ago I made a promise to myself. A promise that this day would not be completely shrouded in darkness but rather light and hope. A day to take something horrible and make it beautiful, or at the very least, to speak truth that God redeems and restores brokenness. That He uses all things, even the suicide of another, for His glory and my good. Because here’s the thing about things left in the dark: they grow into something slimy, ugly and full of death (don’t believe me? Turn over the next rock you see stuck half deep in dirt. YUCK). And so today I write. Today, I refuse to let death have the final word. I refuse to let the darkness win.

Do I still feel sadness on this day? It is more profound and deep than words can express. Do I still cry on this day? Yes, they threaten even now, in this quiet public place, to spill over to sound of The National singing “Nothing I wouldn’t do for another few minutes…”. This is the one day a year I let myself feel the depth of sorrow that comes from my father choosing to walk out of my life. The day I confidently proclaim “This is not the way it is supposed to be.”

That phrase seems to be a resounding echo these days.

“Not the way its supposed to be.”

“Not the way its supposed to be.”

I truly believe in God’s sovereignty. I know these things and so much more have formed me into the woman I am today. Without it I would not feel the deep longing to love children who are displaced from their home. Without it I would not know two silent souls weeping next to each other do more than mere words ever could. Without walking through hell and back more times than I care to recount, I would not be the person I am today. And so, in some weird and twisted way even I don’t understand, I wouldn’t trade this and all the other experiences because without them I would not be who I am today. A bold, creative, curious person who breaks the categories life demands she conforms to (see last years post for more on that).

Because of these experiences, I get the honor of walking through darkness with the people around me. Because of these, I have the ability to look into situations and say “This is not how God intended it.” I see clearly and feel deeply the pain of living in a world that was initially created good but is now broken and filled with darkness. No, this is not the way God intended the world to be when he created it good and perfect.

And yet, God, in His grace and mercy, stepped down into this dark and completely screwed up world to bring hope. Hope that exists beyond what I think or feel. Hope that others can hold and believe for me when I cannot believe it for myself. Hope that I can cling to and believe for others when they have none themselves. I get the distinct honor and privilege of saying “This darkness you are walking through, it is familiar to me. I cannot fix it. I cannot chase it away. BUT I can sit in it with you. I can and will walk through it with you. I will declare over you the hope I have found in the steadfast love of Jesus. I can promise you that you are not alone. And I can promise you Jesus has not abandoned you to Hell but walks every heart-wrenching step with you. He, my friend, will even carry you when you have no strength to carry you’re self.”

I can say these things because I have walked through the darkness myself. I remember days so dark, standing up to walk 15 feet down to the hall to use the bathroom seemed impossible. Yet somehow I found myself walking. I remember the crushing weight of darkness as I cried out to God, in the middle of the most furious storm I had ever seen, asking Him to please to just kill me now because the pain of breathing was too much only to have Him send a 14 year old out the door to sit on a porch swing, just 5 feet away, listening to his iPod and completely unaware of the battle raging within. I remember crying out in agony as I forcefully hurled my medication at the wall screaming “You’re not working!” and desperately wanting to figure out how the word “Help” to a friend. 

You see, the darkness has been real. I have touched it. I have tasted it. I have even played with it. But God in his love and mercy, in each moment, intervened when I couldn’t not. He did not abandon me to hell, though I begged him countless times. If you’re reading this, and you’re walking through darkness of your own, know this: I have been exactly where you are and the only thing I can tell you is that Hope exists beyond your circumstance. Right now things are so dark and you don’t see a way out. Take a step, just one, because it will bring you that much closer to the other side of this black. Right now you want to curl in ball, pull the covers over your head and hide until the world sorts itself out. Oh dear friend, I’ve been there, today I am there, and I want you to know that while you’re feelings are valid, they can often lie to you. 

There is Hope my friend. Hope that exists outside of you and me. A Hope that says there is more to this life then the present darkness you are facing. A Hope that says “come to me all who are weary and weighed down by burdens unimaginable. And I will give you rest.” See that’s the thing about Hope. It exists outside of you and I. Outside of our feelings, outside of the lies told to us by our bosses, family, friends, society or whoever it is that is making your burden heavier instead of walking through it with you or coming along side you to help shoulder the heavy load. Hope is something we can look to, cling to, and believe in when all else fails. And that Hope has a name. His name is Jesus.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I have your eyes. The kind that are so dark brown they turn near-black depending on my mood. I don’t know why that’s the first thought I had but there it is.

I miss you today. I wish I could call you just to say “Hi! Happy Birthday!” I miss the way I could be my messy-self with you. You had no expectations except that I be myself. And you saw the beautiful, creative, curious person I was before I even knew it was there.

I wonder if you realized removing yourself from my life would leave me vulnerable to the full weight of being who others expected me to be. A weight I completely failed to carry. Did you expect me to be the strong one when you left? Because I wasn’t strong. And quite frankly it wasn’t my job to be strong. It was yours.

I tried like hell to hold myself together. I wanted desperately to be everything for everyone else, to meet their expectations. But I couldn’t do it. I was too busy trying to holding the shattered pieces of myself together that I didn’t know how to them together as well. There’s only one of me and I only have two hands!

So I searched for a safe place trying like hell to glue the shattered pieces back together while somehow still fulfilling the needs of those you left behind. I failed. Failed them. Failed myself. Maybe I even failed you.

And those shattered pieces never turned out to be exactly what they were or what they could have been. And there it is: “what could have been”. I try not to think about it but in August those thoughts poke their sneaky noses out of the hole I buried them in and they refuse to be denied.

Which brings me back to wondering if you realized exactly what your absence would mean for me. I wonder if you realized that by removing yourself that seedling of creativity you tenderly began to water would be shoved in a dark closet and after all beautiful things rarely grow in the dark.

I wonder if I would be further along this journey to embracing who I really am as a creative person if you had stuck around. I guess I’ll never know….

The truth is: I am a creative person who is constantly itching to write or sketch. I got that from you.

The truth is: I’m a curious person. I want to know about the world around me. People intrigue me. I just want to sit down and hear their stories. To understand what they believe and why they believe it. To have a conversation with them and be their friend with no expectations. I also got that from you.

The truth is: I’m a category-breaker. But this one’s on me. I chose to be different from the way you raised me. Because while being with you, in the safety of our home, I was able to be my messy self, out there in the world, I didn’t get a chance to live it. You were such a real and genuine person except at the end when you hid the mess. When you said “I’m fine” because you thought you had to be strong and keep it all together when you were really dying inside. (I wish you had given yourself the same measure of freedom you gave others.) So I chose to be different. I chose to be honest about the hard things. I choose to say “I’m not ok today. Today I am sad.” I choose to pick up the phone and say “help me” when the darkness is overwhelming and I see no other way out then the one you took. I choose to look at the categories society has created for me and say “I don’t fit that” and instead of pretending like I fit and breaking myself to conform, I choose to break the category and just be me. Jenifer. The person I was always intended to be. I’m not there yet. I realize I’ve got 20 plus years of habits to break but I’m learning to give myself grace, every moment of every day… and that I did learn from you.

So while took me longer than it could, had you chose to stick around, to realize the beauty of who I am and even longer to truly start embracing it, I have hope that for the coming days…. Hope, because I’m finally taking steps to embrace the unique, creative, curious, category-breaker that I am. Hope that despite you’re mistake (and it was a mistake) I can still be the best damn version of myself God intended from day one. Hope because I’m stronger and braver than even I know. Hope that death doesn’t have the final word. Hope because Jesus redeemed and is redeeming not only your mistakes but mine and turning them into something beautiful.

So Happy Birthday dad. I miss you and I miss the relationship we could have had.

And thank you. Thank you for seeing the creative person I was before I did (Seriously, I was so confused that Christmas you gave me an art easel and the most beautiful set of brushes and oil paints because back then I didn’t know how much I loved painting and sketching). Thank you for passing along a passion for loving others and a desire to engage in true and thoughtful conversation. Thank you for all the stories you told me about life in Haiti, I have no doubt they played a role in my adventures overseas.

And thank you for teaching me, by your failures. Thank you for teaching me we were never intended squish ourselves into categories others created for us. Thank you for teaching me we were never intended to do the gut-wrenching hard things alone. Thank you for teaching me the importance of asking for help.

And thank you for teaching me about grace. Grace that is allowing me to say again: “I forgive you”. Because I do. I forgive you for walking away for the best job you ever had: being my dad.

Love Always,

Jenifer

My Favorite Little Tots Pt 2

My favorite Tots reciting the Lord's Prayer

My Favorite Little Zambian Tots

I absolutely ADORE these sweet children :) Every morning, on my way to the office, I pass by their class and am surrounded by their sweet, smiling faces and "attack" me with precious hugs. I hope this video warms your heart as mine is warmed every morning

Reese's Cups & Cherry Nibs

I knew leaving the USA would be difficult food wise, but I'd done it before so I "knew" I could handle it. The lack of Walmart and Target didn't bother me; "psh! who needs 'em!" I've got a fresh fruit market and cokes from glass bottles! I'd be fine....

... 3 months in and my supply of smooth, American-made chocolate was almost gone and had melted/re-solidified multiple times. "What I wouldn't give for some Reese's Cups and Nibs Cherry licorice! Oh Target how I miss you!" And those thoughts came when I lived closer to a grocery store! Eight months later, I find myself in one of the most beautiful places in the world and still I get cravings for a taste of home. I wrestle with these feelings: after all, why on earth would I eat a McDonalds Big Mac with Fries dipped in Sweet-N-Sour sauce when I could make my own chemical free food right here? Why eat Chick-Fil-A nuggets with that oh so yummy Chick-Fil-A sauce and a lovely peach milk shake when I can make something out of a freshly slaughtered chicken?! No chemicals. So much healthier for me; the weight is practically sliding off.... but then I'd have to kill the chicken myself... been there, tried that, I almost cried and I made the cook very angry...

If I've learned one thing these last few months its that pure leap-for-joy experience that comes when the postmistress tells me there is a letter or a package. Sweet Comfort! Someone from home has mailed me a hug! [And in a country where they don't give hugs that, my dear friends, is a big deal] Often when someone asks me what they can send I stare blankly at my screen overwhelmed by the possibilities. What are my priorities? Is there something I'm forgetting? What about the other expats, is there a nice treat they would like? I don't drink coffee but instant coffee from Starbucks here is pure gold!

So I've decided to make it easier on everyone and write a list of things always welcome in care packages. Everything is a suggestion, nothing is a necessity. Hopefully it will help give those of you who have asked for a list a better idea of things that are simply nice to have here in the bush. And as always, please don't forget that a simple hand-written letter brings me encouragement and joy, not just on the day I receive it but also in the months to come, when I'm having a bad day and just need to "hear" a voice from home...

Love in Christ,
Jenifer
Good News 2
PO Box 39
Mpulungu
Zambia

Bush Living Wish List

• The "Most Important": Letters; Pictures of friends and family from home; Pictures by my sweet "little friends" (I'm creating a wall in my house dedicated to all the drawings I receive); Probiotics; Advil
  
• DVDS (superhero, romantic comedy, BBC, TV Shows, cheesy-Hallmark movies, anything released in 2015.) *Packing Tip: It saves space to take them out of the case and wrap in tissue paper then placed in a Ziploc bag :)*
  
• Food Stuffs: Cookies and Cream Hershey's Kisses; Reece's Peanut Butter Cups; Pretzel or Peanut M&Ms; Chex Instant Oatmeal; Cheese Powder from Kraft Dinner (I can get the noodles here just not the yummy cheese); Nuts (Cashews, Pistacios, Almonds); Craisins; gramcracker crumbs; Decaf Sweet Tea Bags; Decaf Instant Coffee; stove-top pudding; pretzels; Teddy Grams; Protein Powder (check out this link for my favorite)
  
• Kitchen/Bath Stuff:  Target cups (those fun plastic party cups with supper heroes and princesses on the outside); Tupperware Containers; Zip-Lock Bags; Ivory Bar Soap; face-wash; cotton balls; Nail Polish; Bugs-Spray

• The Random Things: Christmas lights; Hydro Flask Water bottles (best bottles around for keeping water cold in this tropical weather); LifeProof Cases for iPhones: 4, 5c and/or 5s (lifesavers for the missionaries here); Amazon and iTunes gift cards (for ebooks and music)

*IMPORTANT Packing Tips*

Do Not wrap things in wrapping paper (immigration will take it)
Remove DVDs from cases, layer with tissue paper, and place in a ziplock bag (make sure DVDs are not visible - often identifiable objects like this are taken)
On customs forms be vague as possible (ex: candy, cards) never write "DVDs" as they will most definitely be taken
Always put chocolate inside a ziplock in case of melting.
To keep away curious fingers: line the inside of the box with thick wrapping paper or gift bags and wrap the package in clear packing tape (this prevents hole-poking and fingers)